I usually fly return from Manchester to Bogota with Air France, via Paris. Their service is very pleasant, their baggage allowance ample, and going through customs in Paris is a doddle compared to the US.

Continental Airlines

However, when you book your trip from Colombia, it is nearly twice as expensive. I called them about it, but they wouldn’t budge about the price, so I felt I had no choice but look for another alternative.

Since Continental Airlines offered the next best connection (be it via Newark) at the best price, I decided to give them a go. Here is how it went…

Even though their website clearly states that you can check in TWO suitcases, I was only allowed ONE when I got to the airport. This meant that my precious dobro guitar had to go back to Villa de Leyva with Greys. It will be sorely missed at the Dome gig.

When I got to the plane, there was an encouraging sign next to the door that said: ‘YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET THE START TREATMENT.’ Surely, things were looking up!

However, when I got to my seat, I found that the aisle seat I had booked online had been replaced by a centre seat, in between a mother and her 13 year old daughter. I ended up being piggy in the middle during their heated discussion about whether or not Heather (the daughter’s name) would be allowed to stay out late for a concert that weekend. I suggested swapping seats, but they “didn’t want to bother me”. It seemed they actually preferred me to keep them apart. Not quite the peaceful flight I had hoped for.

star treatment sign

Breakfast time brought another unwelcome surprise. Even though I had registered for a vegetarian meal when I booked my flight a month ago, it appeared they had changed their policy on meal alternatives. Vegetarians were no longer catered for. When I asked the stewardess why I had not been informed about this rather crucial fact, she apologised with a weary smile and said: “this is the way the industry is going”. She gave me the website address to complain.

Their main offering was a cheese and ham sandwich, with a few slices of fruit and a small cake on the side. I played with the idea of removing the ham from my sandwich but quickly gave up when I saw how firmly it had attached itself to the cheese. Too close for comfort for a long-standing veggie like me. Instead, I consoled myself with the accompanying fruit:

Two thin slices of sour pineapple

One thin slice of equally sour melon plus

An even thinner slice of something that vaguely reminded me of the papaya I had enjoyed so much in Colombia

Only….  this one was sour

They must have brought the fruit with them on their last flight from the States, because it is virtually impossible to find fruit of such substandard quality anywhere in Colombia. The small cake was quite nice, but not nearly substantial enough to sustain me for the 5 hours of my flight to Newark.

Hungry and tired, I was utterly unprepared for the onslaught of abuse I was to enjoy from their highly trained customs personnel. I am convinced they hand-pick the rudest people from all over the world to work there. “Do you have an axe to grind against humanity? Did your mother not love you enough? Come and work for us! We will give you a shiny uniform and enough authority to make the life of tired travellers as uncomfortable as possible!”

But I digress… Back to the plane:

The entertainment system aboard the Continental airplane was very much like that of Ryan Air, in that you share little monitors suspended from the roof. This means you either have to crick your neck to see the one right above your head, in those strange psychedelic colours you get when you view a computer screen sideways on. Or you watch the one further away, which of course is too far removed to make anything out at all. When I plugged my earphones in, it turned out my system was broken, so no sound for me. The movie featuring Robin Williams and John Travolta would have to wait until some other time. I decided to write you this little report instead.

I won’t bore you with the rest of my Continental experience, including the confusing toilet lights, and the escalator that did not escalate when I finally made it out of the plane.

toilet signs

Oh, go on, I will just tell you about the toilet lights. Unlike the lights on other planes, that turn red when the toilet is in use, the Continental toilet lights stay green. This was pointed out to me by the same stewardess, with the same weary smile, after I had been trying to open the door on some pore soul trying to concentrate on the job in hand.

Actually, I found this quite funny in the end, and I spent some time watching people trying to break down the door on poor toilet users. Very entertaining.

Being of the opinion that every cloud has a silver lining, I find myself looking for it. Were there any good points about my flying experience with Continental?

Uhm…..

Uhmmm………..

Yes there was actually, and this is no mean feat!

They somehow managed to get a piece of metal the size of a school, and weighing roughly the same as 85 German cars to fly me safely across the world. This extraordinary miracle of modern technology amazes me every time I fly.

very shiny floors

Still…

Continental are not the only airline that has cracked the code. Next time, I think I will pay the extra and fly with Air France again.

PS The best thing about Newark airport? Their very shiny floors!

PPS I must apologise to personnel at Newark Customs. I am sure I caught you on a bad day and that you are usually very pleasant.
I also have to stress that my second leg of my journey to Manchester was in fact very enjoyable. I had a whole row of seats to myself, and the entertainment system was equal to that of Air France, with my own private screen and an elaborate choice of movies and TV programmes at my command. They even found me a vegetarian meal. Hooray!